The Big 30!

For the past year, I have had one friend tell me that this birthday would be a huge milestone. I would have a complete meltdown at leaving behind my twenties and I would not want to celebrate it. Instead I would want to competely forget about it and wear black all day. I had another friend tell me that this birthday would be fun and that she looked forward to changing decades and so would I. Anyone want to guess which route I took? Of course, the fun one!

Yes, this past Monday I officially turned the big 30! I am no longer in my twenties although I feel like I just turned 25 again. I don't feel any different. I don't think any different. And I definitely wanted to celebrate my birthday even if it was a small celebration. But with me, that never is small.

So far, I have completely uprooted my life and started a new one, I saw Jeremy Camp and Hawk Nelson in concert, had pasta for dinner, will be going into San Francisco for part of my week, and I bought myself a birthday cake.

My mother put signs up all over the house wishing me a happy birthday. There were two in the refrigerator. I actually did not find the one in the garage refrigerator because I was out of Dr. Pepper so therefore I had no need to go out. One I found under my door and the other was on my computer.

I got a balloon bouquet from Marla and an awesome box from the girls. They sent me cd's, Dove chocolate, a toy tiara and a slinky. (Just for reference sake, do not let Katie pick out your birthday card unless you want an outrageous card. She will find the best one!) I received several cards, emails, phone calls and comments from family and friends. All in all, I had an awesome birthday! And to top off the whole day, my brother called and I talked to my nephew.

THANK YOU for remembering my birthday. You all made it a fun day and I felt so loved across the miles. My twenties were a great time and I am looking forward to what God is going to do in my thirties. It should be an interesting decade!

Guaranteed Uncertainty

• Stop spending all your energy making plans for God, and start seeking God.
• Faith is embracing uncertainty.

I have a great imagination. I can come up with story lines in my head that would connect my present life to the dreams I have for the future. I can connect what I want to what I have. The stories are great. In my head. But I cannot make them come true on my own. That is when I turn to the Creator of the universe and give him all these hints on how to make my life perfect. He is the Creator; how can I not go wrong with telling Him how my life should be. Does anyone else see the wrong logic in this?

I am so finite. My mind can only grasp my past and the moment I live in right now. I cannot see tomorrow or the next day or five years from now. Why do I have the audacity to tell God how my life should play out? Truthfully sometimes it is fun to tell God how I think my life should be. He gave me a great imagination, but I don’t always stop at the end of my day-dreaming and ask Him what His plans are for me. And a step beyond that, I don’t always stick around after the “I want this God” conversation to just spend time with Him.

I wonder what would happen if I exerted my energy in fully seeking Him for who He is. Would my faith be stronger? Would my trust be deeper? Would I be more and more like Him, reflecting Christ in every day of my life? Would I know Him so much that those little doubts and lies that the enemy likes to throw around will no longer tease me? Would I understand His power even more that I could say to a mountain, “be removed” and it would? I wonder…

*my thoughts from Chapter 5, In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson

Playing it safe is risky.

• Sometimes taking a calculated risk means giving up something good so you can experience something great.

That quote resonates in my mind and spirit, especially right now in my life. Yes, I am still dwelling on my decision to resign from my previous position and move to California, and this book has been a great challenge to my faith.

I had it good in Iowa. I had a great home, despite the work that was needed on it. I had great roommates, despite the unwanted roommate that found its way into the attic. (I still do not know how that raccoon made its way into the attic.) I had a good job with a steady income. I was loved by my co-workers and got along well with everyone there. I had positions that I could do well and I could take satisfaction in them. I lived close by to my brother and his family. Very few things can top the feeling of two little arms wrapping around my neck and small, happy voice calling my name. So why would I leave that all behind and move across country?

I did not have a job waiting for me when I arrived here. I was not accepted to school so I could be attending there this fall. I moved into my parent's home, moving myself from a whole house to a bedroom. I left a church where I was known by many to now being a nameless face among so many at a new church. I made quite the change. It would seem that my decision was not moving me from good to great but from good to nothing.

It has been a month since I moved to California. I am still waiting for a job opportunity to come across my path. I have sent many applications with a several interesting jobs but no calls for interviews. No job. No school. No income. What have I done?

Over the past few weeks, during the quiet hours of my days, I have noticed one thing about my life. I had become very independent from God in my life in Iowa. It was not caused by any one person or by any one thing. I had just become comfortable with my work and I knew that I could do it on my own strength. I knew how to manage it all and I did it all.

Now, so many things are beyond my control. There are so many things that I cannot do on my own strength. I am learning that I am not in love with God as I should be. I am learning that there is so much about Him that I have known in my mind but have never experienced fully. What comes next in my life will not be on my own strength but by the power of God and His spirit working in me. I am looking forward to diving deep into God and experiencing His fullness. I am expecting the great to come. By His hand, not my own.

*my thoughts from Chapter 6, In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson

The Art of Reframing

• Someday we may be as grateful for the bad things as the good things, because the bad things helped prepare us for the good things.

I don’t know if I like for bad things to happen in my life. I usually am not jumping for joy or running around with a great big smile on my face when I am struggling through a hard time. I do not know too many people who would rank having cancer, dealing with the death of a child, bankruptcy, divorce or an addiction as one of the top events that they want to happen in their lives. Most of us want to pray that everyday would be rosy and easy, not filled with pot holes or broken roads.

Usually while we are going through those dark moments, we are usually asking, no begging, God to get us out of it. I have. I don’t like those dark moments or those trying times. I would rather have the peaches and roses days. I like the easy path. It does not require much of me and I can usually handle that path. But the dark moments usually require me to trust, lay everything of me into the hands of God, and allow him to guide me through it. Normally I am not asking God to reveal the truth he wants me to learn during those times as much as I am begging and pleading for those moments to be over quickly.

On the other side of bad things and having traveled a road that has carried dark moments, I have begun to notice two things, I am more dependent on God and I embrace the good things more than I did before. All those bad things give the good things in my life more joy and more blessing. Can bad things truly prepare me for the good things in my life? I think so.

*my thoughts from Chapter 4, In a Pit with a Lion on Snowy Day, Mark Batterson

Unlearning Your Fears

• Don’t let mental lions keep you from experiencing everything God has to offer

I don’t know how many times I have let my thoughts keep me from moving forward or trying something new. I think it all started when that first voice that said I couldn’t do it or the first person to stop me from doing something new. Being young at the time, I never realized that it was not because of me that I was often times stopped or ridiculed for a decision but more because the other person was afraid.

But after so many spoken words that pierced fear into my thoughts, I continued those fears into my growing years. I questioned opportunities, afraid of failing in the eyes of others or how I would look trying, that I often let those opportunities slip on by my open fingers. My fear immobilized me so that I stood still, frozen to my spot so I would not cause any ripples or cause angst in another. My fear became my security.

But over time, my fear became old and more burdensome. What once was my friend I realized was truly my enemy, cloaked in familiarity. I saw others taking chances, pursuing dreams I thought impossible, saw their faith stretch to show His power. I was envious because I wanted to see and experience in the impossible.

Those mental lions kept me at first from experiencing what God had to offer me in His glory and power. As I stayed closed to his side, learned to become like him, those mental lions of fear have turned into my mental lions of trust.

*my thoughts from Chapter 3, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, Mark Batterson

The Odd Thing About Odds

"Lion chasers know God is bigger and more powerful than any problem they face in this world."

I often times see through my human eyes at the obstacles that stand before me. They seems so huge, commanding, and strong. Because of my limited ability, I do not always see the source of the obstacles, the reason for them, or how to conquer them. Because of my limite capabilities, I often times see that God has the same limitations as me. If I cannot conquer them, then neither can God. My thinking is very flawed and so limited.

Do I believe that God is bigger and more powerful than any problem I face? Most days I will and can say yes to that fact. But those are the days when the obstacles are small and relatively easy to conquer. But my faith wavers when the obstacles feel overwhelming and menacing. In those moments, I may whisper yes, in a small voice and with my body half turned ready to run away if I must. I am not standing tall, facing the obstacle head-on, and with a loud, confident voice proclaim, "Yes, my God is bigger than you." No that is not me most of the time. I am usually the one ready to give up and run away. And I have bfore. Now I wonder what miracle God wanted to do in my life during that moment?

"Maybe faith is trusting God no matter how impossible the odds are. Maybe our impossible situations are opportunities to experience a new dimension of God's glory."

Maybe that is what faith has always been, trusting God. Trusting that God is who He says He is. If He is all powerful then what can defeat Him? If he is all-knowing, then what does He not know? If He is above all things then why do I fear and why do I not take my life to him?

*my summary of Chapter 2 of "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson.

Locking Eyes with Your Lion

"But the right place often seems like the wrong place, and the right time often seems like the wrong time."

I do not think I could have stated my thoughts better than that statement. I am amazed at times when I am so certain that God has lead me to a certain place or the timing is just right, but then it feels all so wrong. I don't know if it is because the fulfillment of the journey is not following the steps I thought it should take or the some small element makes the timing seem so off.

I wake up in the morning in a familiar bed, stare at the walls of a semi-familiar room, and think about an unfamiliar life. And I wonder, is this where I am suppose to be? Did I truly hear God's voice when I made the decision to move. At night, I open the window and stare out at the black night and I whisper my true thoughts to heaven. I whisper, "Lord, what is your plan for me here? Why did you send me here?"

There are moments when I long for the normalcy of my known life, the security of a job, and the arms of a little boy. Even though I know the path before me was designed by the Creator, the path is not always easy ground. When I jumped in the pit, it erased the familiar horizon so common to me and put me face-to-face with a lion, a challenge that can either destroy me or I can conquer it. And I wonder what this one challenge has to teach me.

*quote taken from the book, "In a pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson.

A Movie Critic

I saw the movie, "The Bourne Ultimatum" today. I have been wanting to watch it since I heard that it came out. The story line was well written; the acting believable, the actors did well together. My only negative thought were the action parts. Most of the action scenes and fight scenes were constantly moving, almost giving you everyone's perspective at once or that the camera man was actually in the fight itself so I found it hard to follow those scenes. Some of the scenes made me a bit dizzy since they moved so much.

But over all, I thought it was a good movie. It answers the questions from the first two and keeps you on the edge until the last minute of the movie.

Two thumbs up.
4 stars out of 5.

Job search.

It has been awhile since I have had to search for a job. The last time I did that was eight years ago after I graduated from college. After landing my job at the church, I have been there since my first day. I have not had the need to find a full-time position since that day. Until now.

I have been looking for open positions for a couple of months now. I have had my resume out on the job markets, I have filled out internet applications and sent my resumre to interested parties. I really began my search when I arrived in California. Modesto is a nice sized city but it is not a major hub for business. It is mainly made up of people who travel to Sacremento, San Francisco, or Stockton for jobs. I do not relish the thought of traveling for hours a day to get to a entry position so I am focusing around Modesto or within 20 miles of here. So far I have heard nothing.

Of course, I have only been here for a few weeks but as I look at my check book and I know what bills are coming out, the worries of not having a job tend to enter my mind and stress me out a little bit. I wonder if I will hear back from anyone or if any of the jobs that I am interested in would be available to me.

I knew that this would be part of the journey as I stepped out and resigned from my former job. I just forgot how hard it could be.

A normal day for me.

After having a schedule for so long, the break from the norm has been rather exhilerating. I have been working a job since I was a senior in high school so not having the stress of fulfilling a job has been a load off my shoulders, although I am getting the itch to at least be doing something. The past few weeks have been so crazy as well as relaxing. The first few days were filled with unpacking and putting furniture into place. Then it slowed down so I could finish the rest of my move at leisure.

Daily I am hit again with another item that I have to change due to my move. Despite the address change and informing all the important personnel of that change, there is banking, insurance, car and phone. It does seem endless but I know that it is not. I will have it all accomplished very soon. Of course, not having a job has lent the time I need to accomplish all the changes needed and having time during business hours to get it done.

The thought that keeps running through my mind is that I will have to do this all again in about a year. Of course that is if I get accepted to Fuller Theological Seminary. I will move to Pasedena about this time next year. I won't have to transfer some things but the address change will have to occur.

A typical day for me so far has been very lazy and relaxing. I go to bed way too late so that means I get up way too late. I work on some projects that I have wanted to accomplish but after awhile the allure of the blue water in the backyard deters me. So I grab a towel, put on a suite and dive into the cool water of my very own pool. Yes I know. It is a blessing to have it. I use it for some excercise and release of energy. The temperature has been very hot lately so this little extra has been wonderful.

Then there is a time of cleaning up, making dinner, and watching movies. I throw in a book or two as well. So right now those are my days. A very nice vacation if I do say so myself.

But I am itching to get involved in life again as well as get into a job. The security of the income would be nice to have again. I have been invited by a local church to get involved in different ministries so I shall see which ones I want to connect with. If I am not careful, I will overload myself once again but then I don't mind.

So right now I am enjoying the break and taking full advantage of it.

Another adventure.

I am a bit adventurous. I love to try new things. At times those new things spark a flame of fear just it is the unknown, but usually when I finally do it, the thrill is amazing.

Well this past weekend, I went river rafting. No I did not sit in a tube and float down a slow moving river. This was the actually eight-man raft that you have to paddle to get through the river. Since my mother wanted to go, we choose the lowest level of river it can be to river raft; we went on a Class One river. It was fun!

Being outdoors, away from the traffic was so serene. We saw a heron and otters on the river. The only noise I could hear was the voices of the other rafters or others enjoying the river. Other than, the river was quiet, serene, and calm.

It was fun working with the team to paddle our raft through slight rapids, away from submerged rocks, and hanging trees. Our guide even took us through a small canal instead of taking us through the main river part.

So after this experience, I want to try a higher class river. At least I want to try a Class three before hitting the Class Fives. It was fun. I highly recommend river rafting.

Another relaxing day.

It was another relaxing day, if you call walking three miles up a mountain trail that climbs 1000 feet up. My parents and I visited Yosemite National Park today. I went there during my last visit and was in awe of the beauty of this park. Today was no exception. Driving down into the valley as the mountain faces towered over us once again inspired an abiding sense of awe in me. The beauty of the edifices still amaze me with their majestic stances in the land. Trees and plateaus covered many of the open lands and up into the top edges. It was absolutely beautiful. Every time I go, I am in awe of God's artistry when He created the world. He definitely was the artist.

This trip around we decided to take the trail that lead us up to the Verona Falls. At this time of year, usually the falls are small and empty since most of the snow and ice from the winter months have melted and the land is dry. Yet these falls were full and beautiful.

The first part of the journey lead us up to a bridge that allows us a beautiful view of the falls. The hike was a steady uphill climb to a bridge that was .8 miles from the opening of the trail. The trail was pretty easy up to the bridge, but the incline at times made my muscles burn. At the bridge, we decided to continue our trek up the trail to the top of the falls, another .7 miles up the mountain. It was a good thing we did not know what we were getting ourselves into. The next part of the trail took us up 600 feet, a very steep incline that worked the leg muscles a lot.

At one point, my parents had to call it quits, knowing that the upcoming section of the climb was not feasible for their health. I decided to continue because I wanted to go to the top. It definitely was a climb, going up a steep, rock staircase that did not seem to end. I had to stop several times to give my legs a moment of rest and my heart time to slow down. I definitely had my workout.

Now, through my trek, I began to philosphize the last part of my journey. It never fails that I can take a daily journey and turn into an spiritual one. But I started out on this trek with a purpose in mind. I wanted to see the top of the falls. I had never been there. I did not know what I was going to find at the top; I just knew I wanted to go there. The journey started out easy, a slow incline to encourage me onward. This continued for awhile, the journey teasing me that I can actually do this and do it on my own. The hardest part did not come until later, after I had become used to the climb, the incline and the terrain. The hardest part came when the end was near and the promise of the end was within grasp.

Many times along that journey upward, I wanted to quit. I was tired. I was worn out. My muscles were quivering with the excercise. My heart was pumping hard at the strain of climbing. I had to stop many times to take a breather. I needed rest. I would look upward, at the rest of the journey and I would feel despair. The journey at times seemed endless and too much. I sometimes wondered if the climb would be worth it. Would the end be worth the struggle I had to do in order to get there?

I kept going, taking breaks when I needed them. I would look only to the one the step that I needed to take. I stopped looking at the whole picture and focused on the one step in front of me. Pretty soon, the journey began to shrink and finally I reached my destination. I was at the top of Verona Falls. The journey was worth it.

The view was spectacular. I went to the edge to glanced down at the valley where the river flowed from the falls. I could see for so far and it was beautiful. I turned around and the view was just as great. Another site of God's creation. I saw the Emerald Pools. I saw the other falls the fed into the Verona Falls. I just enjoyed the view and the truth that I had made it. My legs no longer seemed to quiver or ache. They were fine an I walked around.

How many times does God take us on a journey? We know that there is an end, a destination, but we forget that there often times a journey to get there. At first, the journey is level with few difficulties. It seems easy. We get going, we hit a few hard parts but not enough to deter us from the destination. We get to one part where we can see part of the beauty of that promised end and we are encouraged to continue on. Then hard times come, the journey becomes difficult, tiring, weary. Often times the journey seems endless and despairing. We get to points where we wonder if the journey is worth it or maybe we should just quit and go back down the trail.

Some do quit, never reaching the end or experiencing the beauty of the end. Some allow the despair of the journey to wear them down until they are immobilized. Some find a great spot to rest but never continue on. They are content to stay where they are safe and rested. Others continue on. They take the rests at points they need so they can take the next step. They look to the next step and take it, not worrying about the end because they know it will come. And they get to enjoy the blessing and the beauty.

This journey to California was very much like my trek up the mountain at Yosemite. God lead me on a new journey. During the first months, the journey was easy and fun. Then as times continued, the journey got a little tougher but still bearable. Then I had those times when it was difficult and I wanted to turn back. I wanted to go back to my home of fifteen years but then I took a moment to rest and allow God to speak to my heart. He reminded once again of the beauty at the end of this journey.

I don't know what it is yet. I am still on this journey to the end of the next stage. It has been fun and hard. I need to take breaks and rest. But the anticipation of the beauty at the end keeps me looking at the one step in front me so I won't despair at how many steps are left.

I can't wait to describe the beauty at the end. I will let you know when I see it.

The 2nd part of the Journey

Now I remember why I do not like to move. Living in disarray for weeks at a time. Getting everything together and packed into boxes. Getting the truck and then moving to the new location. All that takes time and is stressful and yet the excitement of something new gives me the extra push I need to finish the task at hand.

Now the second part of the journey begins. The unpacking. Since I did not fully pack myself, I am wandering around in a state of confusion because I know I am missing items that I need yet I have no idea which box they are in. Eventually I will find them but until then, I will manage.

For the most part, I am unpacked. I have had an interesting time as I have condensed my life from a six-bedroom home to one-bedroom. At least I get my own bathroom. The storage that I was so used to in my house in Iowa is no longer available here in my new home because my parents have used up most of the storage for themselves. So far I have been able to fit what I want in my room but I will have to store many items until I move into my own place. Also I have to get used to the decor. My mother has great taste yet we are very different when it comes to decorating.

I can't complain and I won't. The house is beautiful. I have my sanctuary, also known as my bedroom. I have my own TV which is great because my father and I differ on shows to watch. I could try to fight for control of the remote but I will lose. It is his house. I have hi-speed internet which allows me the ability to connect to family and friends regularly. Hopefully we will get the wireless working so then I can be anywhere in the house and on line.

I especially can't complain considering what is in the backyard, my own pool! With the weather as hot as it is right now, the pool is a great escape and relief. My father is hoping to add a heater to it so we can use the pool year around. Despite popular belief, California is not always warm enough to swim and without a heater, the water in the pool gets too cold to swim.

The back yard is set up nicely for a great time outdoors. We have our own little workout center with a elliptical glider and Total Gym. We have a sanctuary with chairs to sit outside and we have shades to block the sun from these sections.

I also have a great park just down the block that will provide a place to walk and run. Yes, I am going to get myself involved in running. Usually my legs don't mind the workout. Mentality, I hit a road block everytime.

Since I am writing about unpacking, I better get back to it. I still have some boxes to sort and hopefully today will reveal the missing items I so want.

I am here!

After four days of traveling, I have reached one of my destination, Modesto, California. We pulled into the driveway early this afternoon and we all crashed. The emotions and stress of the last month finally came over me as well as the reality of what I have done began to sink in. A bit of despair began to creep over me as I viewed the passing landscape, noticing the markable difference to what I have known. The truth continued to sink in as each passing mile brought me closer to this point. I was not just visiting. I was here to stay.

The last two days of travel were easy yet filled with interesting facts. Each section of our nation bears with it the truth of natural disasters. My mind has grasped the reality of tornadoes that could whipped through my land or blizzards that can shut down an entire state. Now, I face new ones. Earthquakes and fires.

Yesterday morning we were cruising along when suddenly we were forced to pull off at an exit. The stretch of highway was closed off yet I could not understand why. The highway looked as if it had been freshly paved in the past few months so I could not understand the detour. We turned off at the local gas station to discover the news that fires had sprung up around the land and the highway. Since the fires were so close to the highway, it was shut down until the fire was contained. Since we were on a schedule, we found an alternate route, yet when we reached the turn off for that route, we were told that it would be better for us to wait. The alternate route was also experiencing fire and would more than likely close. So we pulled off on the road and waited. About an half an hour later, we move on.

Traveling down I-80, I looked for the fires. Although most of them had been put out, the evidence of them were everywhere. The hills and mountain sides on my left were black and this went on for miles. At one point, I could see where the fire had jumped the highway and continued on my right side. I could still see the smoke rise from one section where the fire was still burning. The cloud rose about the land in a billow of white and golden hues. It eventually blocked the sun from my path as it continued to rise. I even glimpsed the one section where the flames still burned and ate away at the dry landscape. That is definitely not something I worried about in Iowa.

One thing that I will definitely need to get used to hearing is the reports of seismic activity that occurs along the San Andreas fault. Being an Iowa girl, such reports seem interesting yet for a native Cali person, seismic activity is a daily event, just not all of them are felt.

One interesting event along this trip could have been disasterious. I was driving along I-80 when a semi truck passed me along my left hand side. As the tail end of the truck came into view, I noticed smoke coming from his back tire. Half his tire was gone, revealing his rim. After seeing pieces of rubber tire littered around the roads and knowing that smoke is never a good thing, I slowed down to put distance between us two. I radioed my father to inform him but my mother and I were worried that the tire would explode, shooting a large piece of rubber towards my father and wondering if he would have enough time to react. I was worried that it would explode and cause the truck to jack knife and causing a major accident. So my mother and I started praying. The tire eventually exploded but into small pieces that were easily avoided. The truck driver was able to pull the truck easily to the side of the road to discover what happened. No accidents. No fatalities. Praise God.

So now I am here, in California, wondering what in the world I am doing. In my fear of making a mistake, I want to secure every loose end that has yet to be tied, job, school, church, friends. I know that everything will come together in time; I just have to be patient and rest in God. I think it is so much easier to make a faith decision than it is actually begin living it. I made the decision. Now I have to live it. Let the journey truly begin.

The Descent

All week my mother has been telling me about this stretch of road that we will face. It is a stretch of I-80 that takes us straight into Salt Lake City where we are staying for the night. The last time my parents took this trip, my father ended up driving at 92 miles per hour by the time he reached the bottom of the stretch. The downgrade is a 6% then a 3% grade from the original strip. That strip was such a blast to drive! I wish I could do it again. Let's put it this way...halfway down the descent, there is a lane especially for runaway trucks to enter. It was so much fun!

Today's drive was good but long. We left North Platte, Nebraska, and drove directly to Salt Lake City. The drive across Nebraska was pretty tough being so flat and Wyoming was not much different. There is nothing much in Wyoming, not even many exits. It is pretty barren. But once we enter Utah, the terrain changed beautifully.

The land on either side of me began to rise to heights not known to a native Iowan. There were several stretches of highway that seemed to disappear into the terrain as the mountain edges meet each other to far-sighted eyes. Evergreens covered the sides with their lasting color, dotting the sight with color as everything else was brown. Later along the drive, red rock faces entertained my eyes with beauty and awe as I measured myself against them. I was quite small compared to their majestic stand.

We finally pulled into Salt Lake City and retired for the night. The past several weeks and especially this past week has finally caught up with me. I am bone tired. Two more days of driving and then I will be in my new home. What a crazy thought!

It has begun!

It has begun!
Current mood: tired
Category: Blogging

I find myself living on pure adrenaline just to make it through the time. The past week has been crazy but it has been accomplished. The house has been repainted, swept, cleaned and locked. The truck is packed and the car is loaded. I hit the road. I am in Nebraska for the night, resting until I hit the road tomorrow.

I am still in a sense of surrealness, hardly grasping that I have packed up my life and moved it away from the known. California still seems like a dream, more of a vacation than a move. Where I am going is somewhere I have been before and I am heading out to be with my parents. It just seems so normal, not crazy. I just don't think the reality of this will hit for another few weeks.

This morning was hard as I said good bye to my little nephew. He somewhat grasps what is going on but does not fully understand. I have been a major part of his life since he day he was born and now I put distance between us. I tried to keep a smile on my face as I hugged him goodbye but it was very hard. I shed my tears, especially when my brother gave me a hug. It was hard to say goodbye to them.

Yet I looked around the house this morning, empty yet clean. My home of fifteen years not empty of all of my things. What a beautiful home filled with memories of smiles, laughter and friends that I will carry with me forever. A sense of release came over me as I looked away and moved ahead. I grasped God's hand again to jump into His unknown.

So tonight I rest, letting my body and mind release the to-do list of getting the house completed before we pulled out.

A Moment of Panic

I made it. I knew it was right. I am convinced that God opened this door. I had peace with it. I was ready to leave, to follow this new journey. So I thought.

The panic hit. My mind started racing with thoughts of doubts as I listened to my sister-in-law talk about her future plans for her career. I started wondering, "Did I make the right choice?", "What in the world am I doing?", "Did I hear God correctly?", and my thoughts kept racing along these lines.

This decision was not easy. I have lived in Iowa my whole life and in Des Moines for the past fifteen years. Iowa is my home. I had been at my current job location for over seven years. I was loved there. I was appreciated there. I knew what I was doing. It was all comfortable and known.

But over the past year, this disconnect started within me to this daily life. Discovering the source took me awhile. I spent many months knocking on doors and praying for guidance. I had a team of people praying along side me. God revealed the path. I accepted it. God told me the steps to take. I obeyed.

But in the one moment, I doubted. Did I hear correctly? There are still so many unknowns waiting for me once I reach California that my control kicked in. I wanted to take back the journey so I can make it comfortable, safe, and known. I literally could see myself taking my future out of God's hands and placing it in my own, not believing I could do better but that I could make it known and safe.

After much self-talk, reminding myself that God laid this journey before me, the moment of panic disappeared. God has confirmed this new journey in so many ways. But that step of faith and trust, moving out on a plan that is not by your design is scary and exhilerating at the same time. I wonder what is to come...

The Days Count Down

When I made the decision to move, the day could not come fast enough. Now that the day is only a few days away, I want more time. It does not seem to be enough time to accomplish everything that I want to get done before I leave.

The house is in total disarray. I have had fun searching for items that I need because I can't remember where I have put them or the customary spot that I place items is not available. Boxes are everywhere. Items are everywhere. Clothes are on the floor. If anyone knows me, he or she knows that I do not like living in disarray. I am neat and orderly so the next couple of days are going to be stress for me.

My parents came into town last week for their annual July trip to see my brother, his family and me. They also came to help me move. Mom is going crazy because she doesn't know what to work on first. Dad keeps finding little projects to work on that really don't need attention but in his mind, they do. So now we have more work to do than before. Let's just say that two previously painted walls that I had marked off completed now have to be redone because my father found flaws he wanted to fix. He is painting those two walls.

But in all the chaos, I know this will eventually end and I will be back in my neat and orderly world. But this time in a new world. A new place. A new adventure. It all should be fun!

Does it ever end?

So, I have enjoyed living in a home instead of an apartment these past five years. The space is great especially when I had friends over. The noise level was quieter because my neighbors did not live beyond the next wall or above me. The only thing that I drives me crazy is the work that goes into keeping a house up-to-date.

I have never been one for yardwork. I will maintain the yard and keep it clean. I don't let the grass get too high or leave tons of branches in my yard. I am not one to spend hours working on the yard in one day. I have better things to do.

I have this tree in the front yard that has been giving me fits for the past year. We had it trimmed a couple of years ago and I thought that would help but I think it only added to the problem. This tree likes to drop branches. And not just small ones, mind you. Big ones. Especially during storms.

Last Sunday, I came home from church and a branch had broken off and was laying on the roof. At least part of it was. I did not have time on Sunday to take care of it but when I inspected it on Monday, I found out that it was still attached to the tree by a large piece of bark. The weight of the hanging limbs was lessened because part of the branch was resting on the roof, therefore alleviated a large part of the weight that would have pulled the tree down.

Figuring I could take care of the branch myself, I have been trying to get my saw back so I could cut the branch apart. (Don't tell my mother. she hates it when I go on the roof!) But before I could get the branch down, we had those two bad days of storms. I came home Friday after work and the branched was down along with my down spout. I just stood there at the mess asking God, "what next?", because now i have a branch that I have to get rid of and a down spout to fix.

But on the bright side, the branch did not mess up my gutters that I just had replaced that week from the snow storm in February/March and it did not hit my neighbors house. I had one incident with them last summer and I was not looking forward to another one. So thank God all the damage is on my end.

The fun is that I am leaving in three weeks and this was just something I did not want to deal with. Praise God that only materials were injured and no person. This all can be fixed! Oh the joys of managing a house!

The Joys of Packing

I find it interesting that when I live somewhere, I can never seem to have enough stuff. I am always finding a spot for something new. It isn't until I have to pack it all up does everything I have seem to be too much. I keep packing bits and pieces as the weeks go by so the whole experience does not happen at once. It just never seems to end but I know it will. And I don't have that much stuff!

Today was a pretty quiet day. I finished downloading my knowledge of our database system onto paper so that my other teammates now have written instructions to navigate through our database. It is interesting writing a manual of how I work through the system and then compare it to the company's manual. Mine is definitely simpler and in layman terms.

I hope to finish the rough draft and proposal for the wedding booklet and pre-marriage course. In fact, it was this aspect of my job that pushed me towards my degree. As I have been working with the weddings of Des Moines First and evaluating the current booklet and pre-marriage course, my desire to get my degree in marital and family counseling emerged once again. I started researching materials that would help promote healthy marriages before and after the wedding. This course just made me want to be a counselor to help in marriages.

The interesting thing in this whole transition and every detail is that the one thing that brings me great joy is the simple of act of finding toy cars for my nephew. My brother has started to collect the cars from the movie Cars and I have been able to find six of the cars that Ashton is missing. According to my brother, I will be my nephew's hero. YEAH!!!!