The Big 30!

For the past year, I have had one friend tell me that this birthday would be a huge milestone. I would have a complete meltdown at leaving behind my twenties and I would not want to celebrate it. Instead I would want to competely forget about it and wear black all day. I had another friend tell me that this birthday would be fun and that she looked forward to changing decades and so would I. Anyone want to guess which route I took? Of course, the fun one!

Yes, this past Monday I officially turned the big 30! I am no longer in my twenties although I feel like I just turned 25 again. I don't feel any different. I don't think any different. And I definitely wanted to celebrate my birthday even if it was a small celebration. But with me, that never is small.

So far, I have completely uprooted my life and started a new one, I saw Jeremy Camp and Hawk Nelson in concert, had pasta for dinner, will be going into San Francisco for part of my week, and I bought myself a birthday cake.

My mother put signs up all over the house wishing me a happy birthday. There were two in the refrigerator. I actually did not find the one in the garage refrigerator because I was out of Dr. Pepper so therefore I had no need to go out. One I found under my door and the other was on my computer.

I got a balloon bouquet from Marla and an awesome box from the girls. They sent me cd's, Dove chocolate, a toy tiara and a slinky. (Just for reference sake, do not let Katie pick out your birthday card unless you want an outrageous card. She will find the best one!) I received several cards, emails, phone calls and comments from family and friends. All in all, I had an awesome birthday! And to top off the whole day, my brother called and I talked to my nephew.

THANK YOU for remembering my birthday. You all made it a fun day and I felt so loved across the miles. My twenties were a great time and I am looking forward to what God is going to do in my thirties. It should be an interesting decade!

Guaranteed Uncertainty

• Stop spending all your energy making plans for God, and start seeking God.
• Faith is embracing uncertainty.

I have a great imagination. I can come up with story lines in my head that would connect my present life to the dreams I have for the future. I can connect what I want to what I have. The stories are great. In my head. But I cannot make them come true on my own. That is when I turn to the Creator of the universe and give him all these hints on how to make my life perfect. He is the Creator; how can I not go wrong with telling Him how my life should be. Does anyone else see the wrong logic in this?

I am so finite. My mind can only grasp my past and the moment I live in right now. I cannot see tomorrow or the next day or five years from now. Why do I have the audacity to tell God how my life should play out? Truthfully sometimes it is fun to tell God how I think my life should be. He gave me a great imagination, but I don’t always stop at the end of my day-dreaming and ask Him what His plans are for me. And a step beyond that, I don’t always stick around after the “I want this God” conversation to just spend time with Him.

I wonder what would happen if I exerted my energy in fully seeking Him for who He is. Would my faith be stronger? Would my trust be deeper? Would I be more and more like Him, reflecting Christ in every day of my life? Would I know Him so much that those little doubts and lies that the enemy likes to throw around will no longer tease me? Would I understand His power even more that I could say to a mountain, “be removed” and it would? I wonder…

*my thoughts from Chapter 5, In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson

Playing it safe is risky.

• Sometimes taking a calculated risk means giving up something good so you can experience something great.

That quote resonates in my mind and spirit, especially right now in my life. Yes, I am still dwelling on my decision to resign from my previous position and move to California, and this book has been a great challenge to my faith.

I had it good in Iowa. I had a great home, despite the work that was needed on it. I had great roommates, despite the unwanted roommate that found its way into the attic. (I still do not know how that raccoon made its way into the attic.) I had a good job with a steady income. I was loved by my co-workers and got along well with everyone there. I had positions that I could do well and I could take satisfaction in them. I lived close by to my brother and his family. Very few things can top the feeling of two little arms wrapping around my neck and small, happy voice calling my name. So why would I leave that all behind and move across country?

I did not have a job waiting for me when I arrived here. I was not accepted to school so I could be attending there this fall. I moved into my parent's home, moving myself from a whole house to a bedroom. I left a church where I was known by many to now being a nameless face among so many at a new church. I made quite the change. It would seem that my decision was not moving me from good to great but from good to nothing.

It has been a month since I moved to California. I am still waiting for a job opportunity to come across my path. I have sent many applications with a several interesting jobs but no calls for interviews. No job. No school. No income. What have I done?

Over the past few weeks, during the quiet hours of my days, I have noticed one thing about my life. I had become very independent from God in my life in Iowa. It was not caused by any one person or by any one thing. I had just become comfortable with my work and I knew that I could do it on my own strength. I knew how to manage it all and I did it all.

Now, so many things are beyond my control. There are so many things that I cannot do on my own strength. I am learning that I am not in love with God as I should be. I am learning that there is so much about Him that I have known in my mind but have never experienced fully. What comes next in my life will not be on my own strength but by the power of God and His spirit working in me. I am looking forward to diving deep into God and experiencing His fullness. I am expecting the great to come. By His hand, not my own.

*my thoughts from Chapter 6, In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson

The Art of Reframing

• Someday we may be as grateful for the bad things as the good things, because the bad things helped prepare us for the good things.

I don’t know if I like for bad things to happen in my life. I usually am not jumping for joy or running around with a great big smile on my face when I am struggling through a hard time. I do not know too many people who would rank having cancer, dealing with the death of a child, bankruptcy, divorce or an addiction as one of the top events that they want to happen in their lives. Most of us want to pray that everyday would be rosy and easy, not filled with pot holes or broken roads.

Usually while we are going through those dark moments, we are usually asking, no begging, God to get us out of it. I have. I don’t like those dark moments or those trying times. I would rather have the peaches and roses days. I like the easy path. It does not require much of me and I can usually handle that path. But the dark moments usually require me to trust, lay everything of me into the hands of God, and allow him to guide me through it. Normally I am not asking God to reveal the truth he wants me to learn during those times as much as I am begging and pleading for those moments to be over quickly.

On the other side of bad things and having traveled a road that has carried dark moments, I have begun to notice two things, I am more dependent on God and I embrace the good things more than I did before. All those bad things give the good things in my life more joy and more blessing. Can bad things truly prepare me for the good things in my life? I think so.

*my thoughts from Chapter 4, In a Pit with a Lion on Snowy Day, Mark Batterson

Unlearning Your Fears

• Don’t let mental lions keep you from experiencing everything God has to offer

I don’t know how many times I have let my thoughts keep me from moving forward or trying something new. I think it all started when that first voice that said I couldn’t do it or the first person to stop me from doing something new. Being young at the time, I never realized that it was not because of me that I was often times stopped or ridiculed for a decision but more because the other person was afraid.

But after so many spoken words that pierced fear into my thoughts, I continued those fears into my growing years. I questioned opportunities, afraid of failing in the eyes of others or how I would look trying, that I often let those opportunities slip on by my open fingers. My fear immobilized me so that I stood still, frozen to my spot so I would not cause any ripples or cause angst in another. My fear became my security.

But over time, my fear became old and more burdensome. What once was my friend I realized was truly my enemy, cloaked in familiarity. I saw others taking chances, pursuing dreams I thought impossible, saw their faith stretch to show His power. I was envious because I wanted to see and experience in the impossible.

Those mental lions kept me at first from experiencing what God had to offer me in His glory and power. As I stayed closed to his side, learned to become like him, those mental lions of fear have turned into my mental lions of trust.

*my thoughts from Chapter 3, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, Mark Batterson

The Odd Thing About Odds

"Lion chasers know God is bigger and more powerful than any problem they face in this world."

I often times see through my human eyes at the obstacles that stand before me. They seems so huge, commanding, and strong. Because of my limited ability, I do not always see the source of the obstacles, the reason for them, or how to conquer them. Because of my limite capabilities, I often times see that God has the same limitations as me. If I cannot conquer them, then neither can God. My thinking is very flawed and so limited.

Do I believe that God is bigger and more powerful than any problem I face? Most days I will and can say yes to that fact. But those are the days when the obstacles are small and relatively easy to conquer. But my faith wavers when the obstacles feel overwhelming and menacing. In those moments, I may whisper yes, in a small voice and with my body half turned ready to run away if I must. I am not standing tall, facing the obstacle head-on, and with a loud, confident voice proclaim, "Yes, my God is bigger than you." No that is not me most of the time. I am usually the one ready to give up and run away. And I have bfore. Now I wonder what miracle God wanted to do in my life during that moment?

"Maybe faith is trusting God no matter how impossible the odds are. Maybe our impossible situations are opportunities to experience a new dimension of God's glory."

Maybe that is what faith has always been, trusting God. Trusting that God is who He says He is. If He is all powerful then what can defeat Him? If he is all-knowing, then what does He not know? If He is above all things then why do I fear and why do I not take my life to him?

*my summary of Chapter 2 of "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson.

Locking Eyes with Your Lion

"But the right place often seems like the wrong place, and the right time often seems like the wrong time."

I do not think I could have stated my thoughts better than that statement. I am amazed at times when I am so certain that God has lead me to a certain place or the timing is just right, but then it feels all so wrong. I don't know if it is because the fulfillment of the journey is not following the steps I thought it should take or the some small element makes the timing seem so off.

I wake up in the morning in a familiar bed, stare at the walls of a semi-familiar room, and think about an unfamiliar life. And I wonder, is this where I am suppose to be? Did I truly hear God's voice when I made the decision to move. At night, I open the window and stare out at the black night and I whisper my true thoughts to heaven. I whisper, "Lord, what is your plan for me here? Why did you send me here?"

There are moments when I long for the normalcy of my known life, the security of a job, and the arms of a little boy. Even though I know the path before me was designed by the Creator, the path is not always easy ground. When I jumped in the pit, it erased the familiar horizon so common to me and put me face-to-face with a lion, a challenge that can either destroy me or I can conquer it. And I wonder what this one challenge has to teach me.

*quote taken from the book, "In a pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson.

A Movie Critic

I saw the movie, "The Bourne Ultimatum" today. I have been wanting to watch it since I heard that it came out. The story line was well written; the acting believable, the actors did well together. My only negative thought were the action parts. Most of the action scenes and fight scenes were constantly moving, almost giving you everyone's perspective at once or that the camera man was actually in the fight itself so I found it hard to follow those scenes. Some of the scenes made me a bit dizzy since they moved so much.

But over all, I thought it was a good movie. It answers the questions from the first two and keeps you on the edge until the last minute of the movie.

Two thumbs up.
4 stars out of 5.

Job search.

It has been awhile since I have had to search for a job. The last time I did that was eight years ago after I graduated from college. After landing my job at the church, I have been there since my first day. I have not had the need to find a full-time position since that day. Until now.

I have been looking for open positions for a couple of months now. I have had my resume out on the job markets, I have filled out internet applications and sent my resumre to interested parties. I really began my search when I arrived in California. Modesto is a nice sized city but it is not a major hub for business. It is mainly made up of people who travel to Sacremento, San Francisco, or Stockton for jobs. I do not relish the thought of traveling for hours a day to get to a entry position so I am focusing around Modesto or within 20 miles of here. So far I have heard nothing.

Of course, I have only been here for a few weeks but as I look at my check book and I know what bills are coming out, the worries of not having a job tend to enter my mind and stress me out a little bit. I wonder if I will hear back from anyone or if any of the jobs that I am interested in would be available to me.

I knew that this would be part of the journey as I stepped out and resigned from my former job. I just forgot how hard it could be.

A normal day for me.

After having a schedule for so long, the break from the norm has been rather exhilerating. I have been working a job since I was a senior in high school so not having the stress of fulfilling a job has been a load off my shoulders, although I am getting the itch to at least be doing something. The past few weeks have been so crazy as well as relaxing. The first few days were filled with unpacking and putting furniture into place. Then it slowed down so I could finish the rest of my move at leisure.

Daily I am hit again with another item that I have to change due to my move. Despite the address change and informing all the important personnel of that change, there is banking, insurance, car and phone. It does seem endless but I know that it is not. I will have it all accomplished very soon. Of course, not having a job has lent the time I need to accomplish all the changes needed and having time during business hours to get it done.

The thought that keeps running through my mind is that I will have to do this all again in about a year. Of course that is if I get accepted to Fuller Theological Seminary. I will move to Pasedena about this time next year. I won't have to transfer some things but the address change will have to occur.

A typical day for me so far has been very lazy and relaxing. I go to bed way too late so that means I get up way too late. I work on some projects that I have wanted to accomplish but after awhile the allure of the blue water in the backyard deters me. So I grab a towel, put on a suite and dive into the cool water of my very own pool. Yes I know. It is a blessing to have it. I use it for some excercise and release of energy. The temperature has been very hot lately so this little extra has been wonderful.

Then there is a time of cleaning up, making dinner, and watching movies. I throw in a book or two as well. So right now those are my days. A very nice vacation if I do say so myself.

But I am itching to get involved in life again as well as get into a job. The security of the income would be nice to have again. I have been invited by a local church to get involved in different ministries so I shall see which ones I want to connect with. If I am not careful, I will overload myself once again but then I don't mind.

So right now I am enjoying the break and taking full advantage of it.